Five Key Lessons I Learned During the Grieving Process
Grieving is a profound and deeply personal journey. Throughout my own experience with loss, I've encountered numerous lessons, but five particular insights stand out. These lessons have shaped my understanding of grief and provided guidance during the most challenging times.
The Intensity of Grief
The first notable aspect of the grieving process is the intensity of grief. Initially, the emotions are overwhelming, often accompanied by a state of shock. This intensity, while challenging, does lessen over time. Understanding this can provide a glimmer of hope amidst the despair, offering assurance that the feelings of "how am I going to be able to go on feeling like this?" will not last forever.
The type of loss can influence the intensity of grief. Whether it's the sudden loss of a loved one, the death of a pet, or the end of a significant relationship, each type of loss carries its own emotional weight. The initial shock serves as a protective mechanism, both physically and emotionally. As this shock fades, the intensity of grief gradually diminishes. During these early stages, it's essential to give oneself grace and time to move through the pain. Simple practices like taking a walk or engaging in mindful breathing can be beneficial.
The Stages of Grief Aren’t Linear
Another lesson is that the stages of grief are not linear. The five stages of grief, as coined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, are well-known and part of her groundbreaking research on working with people who are dying, yet for people grieving, they do not unfold in a straightforward manner.
You may move back and forth between different emotions and stages of grief. For me, one of the things I discovered early on after my son died was that I held onto anger for over 20 years. I didn't realize I was holding onto anger until I started grieving the death of my son. Anger is a strong emotion, and it affected me physically and in my relationships with family members.
As you move through your grief journey, you may feel different emotions at different times. You might process some emotions and then feel like you've taken two steps back. That's okay. It means you needed to work on something. Don't compare your grief journey with others; everyone processes grief differently. Some may find solace in action, while others may need periods of rest and reflection.
People’s Expectations Can Be Unrealistic
The third lesson is that the expectations of people around us can sometimes be unrealistic. When I was in my late 20s, my first husband died. At that time, there wasn't much support for grieving people, especially for a young woman who lost her husband. People expected me to move on quickly and start dating again. When my son died, some people who were supposedly friends shied away from me because they didn't know what to say or do. Others stepped up with no expectations, just offers for chatting or visiting.
You will find that even in the same family, people will have different expectations of how you should be grieving. They might say things that seem crazy to you, so you might not want to talk to them.
Now that I'm not intensely grieving, I try to be mindful not to have unrealistic expectations of others who are grieving. It's important to simply offer support and check in with them another day.
Each Loss Is Different
Every loss is unique, and the grief expressed is equally diverse. My experiences of losing a job, a pet, an older relative, and my son each brought different forms of grief. The emotional response to each loss varied, highlighting the importance of recognizing the individuality of grief.
I remember an experience three years after my son died. I was in a mindfulness training group, and a woman there was devastated by the loss of her puppy. Her expressions of grief were as intense as mine, even though her loss was different. It's important not to compare your grief with others or let others compare their grief with yours.
You Will Amaze Yourself
The last thing I learned is that you will absolutely amaze yourself. People often told me I was strong, but I didn't feel strong. However, I amazed myself with what I could accomplish. Weeks after my son died, I joined an online forum for suicide loss survivors and learned a breathing technique that calmed me. I started writing lists and checking things off, which made me feel accomplished.
Throughout this journey, I have amazed myself with what I've been able to accomplish, even if it was just taking a shower or brushing my teeth. Moving forward, even if you take steps back, is an accomplishment. You will amaze yourself with your resilience and strength over time.
In summary, the five key lessons learned about grief are:
The Intensity of Grief Lessens Over Time: Initially overwhelming, the intensity of grief diminishes as time progresses.
The Stages of Grief Aren’t Linear: Grief is not a straightforward process and can involve moving back and forth between different emotions and stages.
People’s Expectations Can Be Unrealistic: External expectations often do not align with the reality of the grieving process.
Each Loss Is Different: Every loss and the corresponding grief are unique and deeply personal.
You Will Amaze Yourself: Discovering inner resilience and strength is a significant part of the grieving journey.
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